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How Mount Carmel Should Have Ended

January 9, 2012

So Ahab sent to all the people of Israel and gathered the prophets together at Mount Carmel. And Elijah came near to all the people and said:

“How long will you go limping between two different opinions? If the LORD is God, follow him; but if Baal, then follow him.”

“So what you’re saying is religion and science are incompatible.” The question came from a slight man on the edge of the crowd, whose thick glasses and toussled hair gave him the classic geek look.

Elijah looked nonplussed. “Why, er… No, I wasn’t saying that, exactly…”

The stranger extended his hand. “Eleazar P. Bosheth. High Priest of Baal. It’s nice to meet you Mr. Elijah.”

“How do you do? What’s on your mind, Mr. Bosheth.”

“Well, just as I indicated, the intersection of religion and science. And it’s Doctor Bosheth, by the way. I should tell you, I have a PhD in meteorology. Now, I have no problem with this ‘the LORD’ thing you’ve got going there. It’s just that that’s a matter of religion. The Baalist perspective, that is, science, is every bit as valid. There’s no reason to have to make a choice between the two. I mean, this is the ninth century.”

“I’m not sure I follow you.”

“Very likely not. Let me see if I can explain it on your level. First of all, you talk a lot about the LORD and the Torah and all that, which is great for doctrine and theology and spiritual truths. I really don’t think the Bible is about where rain comes from. That’s a matter for science.”

“Go on.”

“Scientifically, it’s a matter of atmospheric conditions. To the west is the sea, and when a warm, moist airmass moves in over the land, it rises as it contacts the higher elevation and the water condenses. The result is precipitation.”

“If the air out there is warm enough?”

“Yes, and of course, when we bow down to Baal, do him homage and abase ourselves in his eyes, this creates a low pressure system that draws the warm air in.”

“So you’re saying it’s not the heat; it’s the humility?”

“Heh, heh, that’s a good one. Mind if I use it sometime?”

“Be my guest.”

“Anyway, another important scientific factor is the work of our team of temple fecundity surrogates. Agriculture is largely a matter of sowing the proper seed and careful irrigation. Modern techniques are based on the obvious interconnection between the virtual dissemination performed at the local Baalist center and the on-site soil-based seed application. What’s more, studies have shown that rainfall is increased 47%, when the agriculturist has appropriately contributed PBF.”


“Sorry, I keep forgetting you’re not trained in science. Precious Bodily Fluids.”

“Okay, okay. I get the picture. So where are we going with this, Dr. Bosheth.”

“Just that science is science, and religion is religion. We shouldn’t confuse the two. But by the same token, there’s no reason the two can’t be friends, the LORD for religion, Baal for science.”

“How’s that.”

“Could we not understand the Bible to be saying that the LORD creates the rain, but simply uses Baal to do it? That just seems like the best balance of good religion and good science.”

“Hmm. I never really thought of it that way.”

“I mean, I don’t need to point out that Hebrew Fundamentalism is an increasingly obscurantist position that is distinctly a minority opinion in today’s society. There’s what–one of you? Compared with 450 of us prophets of Baal, not to mention 400 prophets of Asherah. That’s approaching one tenth of one percent for your side. Do you really want to hold out for anti-intellectualism and Torah-thumping ignorance? Isn’t there something in there about worshipping the LORD with your mind?”

“Well, I am getting awfully tired of always having to put up a fight.”

“When it’s all so unnecessary.”

“I see what you mean. You’ve really given me a lot to think about.”

“Thinking for yourself. That’s all I ask.”

2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 9, 2012 11:44 am

    Wasn’t sure if you on the biblical side in the end … but think so 🙂

  2. asphaleia permalink*
    January 9, 2012 12:20 pm

    I sure hope so. It’s satire, of course.

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